The moment you decide you want to be a writer you're faced with nothing but hurdles. Writing the book for one, revising, rewriting, finding an agent, finding an editor and then the revising and rewriting starts all over. Getting published is always the end goal, but what do you after you're published?
My pub day was full of excitement. I was tweeting and Facebooking and talking to so many awesome people. It lasted for about a week and then it plateaued. Then I was left wondering, what now? Almost six years of my life was dedicated to getting published and it finally happened yet now I'm more insecure than ever.
Eric, my boyfriend to those that don't know, doesn't understand. He keeps telling me I finally got what I've been working for for so long and I should be over the moon happy. And he's right, but no matter how hard I try to be, I can't be. I'm so scared of the future. What if I can't sell another book? What if I never find my audience? What if my ultimate dream of quitting my job and becoming a full time writer never happens?
All these questions and doubts have been a black cloud over my head. And what makes it worse is that I did it. I actually did it. I should be walking on rainbows, and I feel guilty for not feeling that way. I've been dealing with a whirlwind of emotions as I'm sure you can tell from this post. And you're probably wondering what's the point of this? The point is getting published isn't the end goal. It's just the beginning. It took me getting published to finally realize that.
I have so many new goals now. And it's time I stop letting the doubts get to me. *deep breath* I got this.
This turned into more like a diary entry than a blog post. Thanks for reading! What are your goals?
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Hi Theresa,
ReplyDeleteI have some thoughts about why you might be feeling this way. It might sound crazy, but there's more than one thing going on. The biggest dark cloud is you're on the path to your dreams. That's scary. Like big scary. What if you mess up? What if everyone hates your book? what if your first steps into your dreams are your last? Those are all real.
But the other feeling that people don't understand is that you're also probably grieving.
For years this ONE BOOK has been your life. You've labored over every piece, every detail. Does the sentence in the third paragraph of the 112th page really have the bittersweet feel I was trying for? That sort of dedication and work and love and frustration creates a place in your soul. It becomes you. Now your book is out in the world, and that's wonderful, but when you wake up in the middle of the night trying to remember if you left the stove on, it's really the hole in your heart where your book used to be that's woken you up.
I know people will think I'm crazy, but give yourself a chance to grieve the loss of something so tightly tied to your soul. You'll start to feel better, but like with all loss, it takes time. And however long it takes you, is how long it takes you.
You are not crazy! That makes so much sense. I obsessed over this book for so long and now it's gone and even when I take it out and read it I can't help myself from thinking, oh I wish I would've changed that, but I can't. My time with it is done.
DeleteIs this what it's like to have kids? You do everything in your power to send it out in the world and hope you did enough for it to survive. Yes, I just compared my book to having kids. I think I might be crazy.
Thanks so much for your comment. You get it. :)
Maybe you should explain to him that your dream was not to get a book published but to be a full-time author, which means a lot more than putting out one book. Then, maybe, he'll be able to see you're not at your destination but only at the beginning of that path.
ReplyDeleteExactly! But he thinks I should be celebrating the steps I take to get there, instead of looking over them to the next dream. I guess I can't really argue that.
DeleteIt's very scary to get what you want. Funny, but true. And I think the fear factor doesn't diminish, as you'd hope it would, with each new step we take as writers. I'm on the eve of having my agent send my current WIP out for submission and I'm terrified. Can't even think about it, terrified!!! My only advice is to try to enjoy the good and, maybe, like I do, use distraction as a technique to not think about the scary new steps.
ReplyDeleteThat is very true. It is so scary.
DeleteGood luck with your submission! It's terrifying but exciting at the same time! I refreshed my email constantly. But those emails from my agent, telling me about requests, nothing beats that!
I think all of the roller-coaster feels on this path are valid, so there's really no sense in Eric trying to talk you out of feeling them. :) Yes, it's such a steep hill, with so many places to fall (and you're expected to cheerfully get up every time it happens and keep climbing without losing altitude), and then you get to that peak and it's like . . . really? That's it? It's so anticlimactic! And then the downhill drop that we don't think about is there facing you. What next?
ReplyDeleteI think what will matter eventually is that this was the first and only time you had to worry that you'd never make it, because now you have. The choice now is whether you keep riding the ride, which of course we do--most of us ride because WE LOVE BEING IN THE ROLLER COASTER CAR no matter what track it's on. Perhaps you'll get to the point where you love the whole ride and can spend more time on the peaks zipping through the clouds, but for now--with only one climb-and-drop under your belt--you don't know what the big picture will look like. But I think you will. And people who don't ride your ride aren't going to be able to understand why the drop feels the way it does. :)
You summed it up perfectly! I really love being in the roller coaster car. Nothing is going to get me to jump out, but I would like to be at the peak more often. Then again who wouldn't? :)
DeleteThis is just the beginning of a journey to your dreams. Write it and they will come to read it.
ReplyDeleteI love that! Thank you :)
DeleteYou have stated how I feel so well. No, my books not out yet, but I thought I'd feel different after selling. I think realizing that it's real. No turning back. You are an author, for better or worse, and you have to live up to that. I think admitting you feel this way is a good step. But Eric's right that we do have to celebrate each step because really will we ever feel like we are "there"? Love you!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if we will ever feel like we are "there" because we'll always want to reach a new milestone, do better than before, reach farther. So yeah Eric's right...lol Love you too :) !!!!
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