Insecurities

 

I think insecurity and writing go hand in hand. No matter what you can't escape that nagging feeling that you will not succeed and everyone will hate your story that you've poured your heart and soul into. I want to say it gets better when you achieve a few successes. It doesn't.

When I first started writing I thought I was amazing. I mean, I wrote an entire book with characters that were awesome. Now I know I didn't know how to use commas (still don't), thoughts jumped from one character to the next and not everything in the story was for the bigger picture. And that's only the beginning of all the mistakes. But I didn't know any better. Rejection after rejection, I realized I had a lot to learn.

I read all sorts of books. Different genres, books on writing, critiqued more and read every agent blog/tweet I could find. I wrote more and revised even more. 

After I signed with my agent I felt validated like I really could write something other people would enjoy. That feeling was short lived. It came back when I signed with my publisher but again short lived.

Now ARC's of my book have gone out and while it is an exciting moment, I feel like I'm going to vomit most of the time. I've always dreamed of writing a book people would love. A book where the characters were relatable. A book people wanted to quote and make those cute pictures you find on Pinterest. But what if everyone hates it?

It's true it only takes one yes in this business, but what does that one yes matter if no one else loves it? It's hard to think about. Hard to come to the realization that there will be people who just don't like your book. I've read plenty of books I didn't connect with or had to force myself to finish. Everyone has different tastes as they should. The world would be a pretty boring place if we all liked the same things. And while I understand that, and appreciate all the different views, I'm still scared of failure.

Back when I wrote my first book I was so naive, but you know what, I had confidence. Somewhere on this journey I lost it. I just wonder if I'll ever find it again.

Have you lost your confidence? What scares you most in this crazy writing world?